I must face myself
Posted: Sun Jun 28, 2020 4:02 pm
When I think of the great GM's of FT like MadMikael, Blitzcraig, Ardesia, dahobbit, LordSeth, kromel, witch, Akkiles, Arashiko to name a few(I know there are many more great GM's that I forgot to mention and you can post their great names in this thread if you like so that they are not forgotten), I think of all of the great qualities that they possessed and still possess: Honor, Loyalty, Trustworthiness, Honesty, Patience, Compassion, Fairness, Fortitude, Humility, Sincerity, Temperance, and Kindness.
When I look at these qualities and truly reflect on them, I realize that I possess none of these. In fact I am not the right person to be a GM in any shape, form, or fashion. I believe that every player if they truly searched their hearts would see that I am not suitable to be a GM. If every player looked at all of my past behavior and actions as a GM and as a player and forum user they would see that I am not a good person at all.
I cannot handle the power that I have been granted as a GM. I have done a lot of wrong in my life and am a bad man. When I first became GM I was being delusional to think that I could ever be good enough to be a GM. I believed a lie that I told myself that I could even hold a candle to any of the past GM's. The truth is that I am not capable of being what I am not. If there was an open position to be an Evil GM then I believe that I would fit the bill completely but I must not fool myself...I cannot be something that I am not. As much as I have wanted to believe in my life that I can be a good person, I have to face the truth about myself. I cannot pretend anymore. The current GM team has enough to deal with without having to deal with the fallout of my BS when I anger the FT community with my actions.
I remember a conversation with blitzcraig that I had a very long time ago when he told me that he had never seen anyone so completely and utterly broken. He was referring to me and he was so completely and utterly right. I also remember a time when I publicly and verbally attacked MadMikael on these forums and was very nasty and mean to him and he did not get angry and he even forgave me for being an idiot and not a very good example of what a human being should be. He did this because he is a great person and a great example of what a decent human being should be. I will never forgive myself for the mean things that I said to him.
A long time ago, my wife realized that all that I am is a pretender and full of empty promises that I could never truly live up to. She realized that I was truly not the person that I made myself out to be early in our relationship. She realized that I truly was evil. She realized that I was fake and false. She knew that as much as I wanted to, I could never truly change what I am inside...a monster. She left and she was right in doing so. Any person in my entire life that has spent any considerable amount of time with me has also realized this and they all eventually get as far away from me as they possibly can. They do this because they see the truths through the lies. They eventually see me for what I truly am. They eventually see the truth.
I used to abuse alcohol and drugs for years but I have been sober for many years now but that did not fix me. Even sober my mind is a twisted mess and I am surprised that I have even lived this long and am truly surprised that no one has killed me yet. Being sober has only made things clearer for me. Being sober has only made me understand how truly corrupt that I am. I will never go back to using drugs or alcohol again because I at least have control over my actions when I am sober. I can keep the twistedness down inside myself and keep it at bay.
My advice to you is that if you ever see me in the game on my main account, you should keep your distance from me. I can only bring pain and misery and suffering and bad things into your life. I am poison. I am broken. I am a train wreck. The hurt that I have caused during my lifetime is vast. The suffering that I have caused is too much to count. I am the bottom of the barrel. As an animal, the only thing that I truly understand about this world is survival. That is the only thing that I am good at. I am only good at taking care of myself. Some legacy, huh?
I am officially stepping down from the GM team and am truly sorry for any trouble that I have brought on the GM team. All of the people that have made up the GM team in the past and present are great people that should be admired for their admirable qualities. I unfortunately am not an admirable person that possesses admirable qualities. I am a scourge.
I will still log in from time to time on my main account Ryaca_1 to fish and to craft and quest but I will no longer log into my GM account or my GM forum account. I will still check my Storms7 forum account.
I thought that I could help this great game that I know and love but I was wrong. I am a failure. I have failed.
When I look at these qualities and truly reflect on them, I realize that I possess none of these. In fact I am not the right person to be a GM in any shape, form, or fashion. I believe that every player if they truly searched their hearts would see that I am not suitable to be a GM. If every player looked at all of my past behavior and actions as a GM and as a player and forum user they would see that I am not a good person at all.
I cannot handle the power that I have been granted as a GM. I have done a lot of wrong in my life and am a bad man. When I first became GM I was being delusional to think that I could ever be good enough to be a GM. I believed a lie that I told myself that I could even hold a candle to any of the past GM's. The truth is that I am not capable of being what I am not. If there was an open position to be an Evil GM then I believe that I would fit the bill completely but I must not fool myself...I cannot be something that I am not. As much as I have wanted to believe in my life that I can be a good person, I have to face the truth about myself. I cannot pretend anymore. The current GM team has enough to deal with without having to deal with the fallout of my BS when I anger the FT community with my actions.
I remember a conversation with blitzcraig that I had a very long time ago when he told me that he had never seen anyone so completely and utterly broken. He was referring to me and he was so completely and utterly right. I also remember a time when I publicly and verbally attacked MadMikael on these forums and was very nasty and mean to him and he did not get angry and he even forgave me for being an idiot and not a very good example of what a human being should be. He did this because he is a great person and a great example of what a decent human being should be. I will never forgive myself for the mean things that I said to him.
A long time ago, my wife realized that all that I am is a pretender and full of empty promises that I could never truly live up to. She realized that I was truly not the person that I made myself out to be early in our relationship. She realized that I truly was evil. She realized that I was fake and false. She knew that as much as I wanted to, I could never truly change what I am inside...a monster. She left and she was right in doing so. Any person in my entire life that has spent any considerable amount of time with me has also realized this and they all eventually get as far away from me as they possibly can. They do this because they see the truths through the lies. They eventually see me for what I truly am. They eventually see the truth.
I used to abuse alcohol and drugs for years but I have been sober for many years now but that did not fix me. Even sober my mind is a twisted mess and I am surprised that I have even lived this long and am truly surprised that no one has killed me yet. Being sober has only made things clearer for me. Being sober has only made me understand how truly corrupt that I am. I will never go back to using drugs or alcohol again because I at least have control over my actions when I am sober. I can keep the twistedness down inside myself and keep it at bay.
My advice to you is that if you ever see me in the game on my main account, you should keep your distance from me. I can only bring pain and misery and suffering and bad things into your life. I am poison. I am broken. I am a train wreck. The hurt that I have caused during my lifetime is vast. The suffering that I have caused is too much to count. I am the bottom of the barrel. As an animal, the only thing that I truly understand about this world is survival. That is the only thing that I am good at. I am only good at taking care of myself. Some legacy, huh?
I am officially stepping down from the GM team and am truly sorry for any trouble that I have brought on the GM team. All of the people that have made up the GM team in the past and present are great people that should be admired for their admirable qualities. I unfortunately am not an admirable person that possesses admirable qualities. I am a scourge.
I will still log in from time to time on my main account Ryaca_1 to fish and to craft and quest but I will no longer log into my GM account or my GM forum account. I will still check my Storms7 forum account.
I thought that I could help this great game that I know and love but I was wrong. I am a failure. I have failed.